Tuesday, October 31, 2006
i guess things are better than before already.much better.
and im glad:D

从现在起，谁喜欢你，你喜欢谁，或你和谁在一起，我都不会去管，也管不了了。

又能怎样？日子还不是一样要照过？

Monday, October 30, 2006

today's chinese paper was...expected i guess!
and im glad that its finally all overrr:D
the paper ended at twelve
finally got to spend some time with the my EX and her BABY:D
went tauhuay shop
den went dhoby ghout
before going to bugis!:DD
bugis is GREAT
although we spent quite little time there cause i wasnt in a very good mood
all because of my heavy bag.
ohwells.
they finally bought me my birthday present
and i like it ALOT:))
thanks man
oh.i forgot to mention that ex and her baby were trying to act les throughout the whole journey
and they have no regards for my feelings.
oh.im hurt:(
anyway
so the guai guai kia me and mons went home early
while esti went to continue with her part 2.haha
yea,so here am i now typing this totally random post
going off any moment
to watch my BELOVED goong:DDD

OH!and i like ai sha 17 too~
plus wu ke qun's jiang jun ling!:P
alright.
i know this is a boring entry compared to the previous one

Sunday, October 29, 2006

我知道自己已经不是第一次说我要放弃了。我知道我已经说了N次，但我依然没有做到。我很讨厌这样的自己，这样软弱的自己。但我真的不想再继续了。因为我真的再也找不到理由继续下去了。我不想再骗自己了，我知道无论我做了什么，都不会有任何结果的。你根本就不属于我，这感觉就好像我很努力地把一样东西握在手心里，但把手摊开时，才发现里面根本没有东西。我凝视的永远只可能是你的背影，因为你一点也不在乎我的存在，甚至连正面和我接触的机会都不多。而且软弱的我在这些时候也只会一味地避开。无论之后我多么的后悔，多么的想再找些机会和你多有些接触，都没有用了。因为我知道，和你面对面时，我唯一会做的，也只有避开而已。这种感觉真的很辛苦，我并不要求什么，只是想和你做回以往的那种朋友。但现在我终于明白，只要我一天放不下，我就没有可能和你回到以前那种感觉，因为我过不了自己这一关。我告诉自己，够了。无论有多么的困难，如果我还想和你做回朋友，那我唯一能做的就是放手。因为你并没变，变的是我，我惟有回到过去的我，我们才可以回到过去的我们。这些日子以来，我不敢说有为了你做了什么，但我真的不好过。时间拖得越长，我想会更难放手吧。好几次，我已经下定了决心要把你忘了，但我做不到，因为我一直放纵自己，我一直自我安慰说，无所谓，我再想你一次也无所谓，但这次真的不行了。我不可以在放纵自己了。因为我怕再拖下去就来不及了。我必须找回果断的我，真真正正地把你放下。我知道很多人都会认为我又在骗人，但这次真的不同了，我真的会尽量把你放下的。我知道这一切会很不容易，但我不想越陷越深。因为那样只会让我越难放手。

请给我一点时间
和一些力量
我无论如何都会做到的。
无论如何

Thursday, October 26, 2006

i shall not think abt it anymore
im serious
im not even in the game
so why should i bother
im giving up
as soon as possible
and i really need to concentrate on my chi Os which is in three days time
no time for other stuff
and im serious

im scared
what if
just what if.

我曾深刻体会
对爱感到胆怯
还好有懂我的你
给我安慰
看你失落的脸
又再为爱憔悴
我心痛的感觉
竟如此的强烈
眼角的泪
它给过谁
伤透了心
也无所谓
我会愿意
静静地陪在你身边
如果说爱已不可为
那我宁愿藏心里面
其实我害怕会失去你的感觉
怎么会开始对你有了感觉
又深怕朋友默契转身不见
矛盾着 犹豫不决
没准备 跨越爱的界线
怎么会开始对你有了感觉
深陷朋友恋人之间的危险
进与退 被爱包围
谁犯规 都狼狈
谁能解围 让一切完美
怎么会开始对你有了感觉
深陷朋友恋人之间的危险
你和我 拥抱瞬间
不后悔 这暧昧
星光唯美把爱放心里面

i really like this song ALOT.
ohwells.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jaiX56O7arM

i figured out that maybe since you know,
you will come my blog to take a look
i mean if im you,i definitely will la
but im not sure if this reasoning works with you too.
ohwells.
if you think you are who im referring to,
then i think its most probably you.
but if all these sound like rubbish to you,
then just ignore them.
yupp
im not sure how you are feeling now.
im pretty confused myself
it seems that you dont mind
but i can never be sure how you are feeling deep inside right?
其实我害怕会失去你的感觉
its quite weird la
i know it may sound mushy to you and all
but i really mean it i guess
i just wana be friends with you again
can we just go back to the past?
when at least things between us are not so awkward
you know i feel pretty terrible whenever i face you
but yet i know i must at least try to make things okay
because i treasure our friendship
alot alot.
i think about those times when we can talk about things freely
and i only wish that things can go back to the past
and we can be fine
如果说爱已不可为
那我宁愿藏心里面
i can hide everything and act as if nothing has happened
if you want me to do that
if you are willing to treat as if nothing has happened
both on the outside and inside
i know maybe im oversensitive
because afterall,you have not shown that you know abt it alr
but i just have this feeling that you know le
and im pretty positive abt it.
im not trying to
but i just want to let you know
about how i feel and stuff
yupp.
thats all
***
i dont know why
but deep inside me
i really hope that you will one day come by here and read what i wrote
i just want you to know.

Wednesday, October 25, 2006

it feels good talking to you as if nothing has happened
if only nothing has really happened

Tuesday, October 24, 2006

dont know why when i read her post
my heart just sank
and i have a terrible feeling that she is refering to you
im not sure why i have this feeling too
but i guess its just my intuition telling me that
she IS refering to YOU
dont know why it feels so bad knowing someone who is also hurt and upset because of you
especially when this someone has much more than me
she has a past with you
she owns memories of you and her,together.
while all i have is a blank
you care about her much more than me
you care about her existence
or at least you are there for her when she is down
when will all that happen to me?
when will you care for me as much as you care for her?
when will you be here for me when im feeling lousy?
when will you just ?
i took that line off to prevent revealing the identity of you and her.
i carn even cry because of you
because you will never know.

screw myself
i know im a f**king idiot here feeling upset
when im not even sure she is talking about you
i mean,even if she is,so what?
i dont know why,really
im becoming a stranger to myself
i cannot understand my feelings anymore
and its all because of you
and i just have this f***king feeling that she IS talking about you
ohwells.
when will you ever say such words to me?
never.
just stop giving me those weird looks and i will be more than glad.

现在正在听一首很有感觉的歌
光良和江美琪的对你有感觉
突然发现歌词里好多部分都是我现在的心情写照
怎么会开始对你有了感觉
老实说，我真得不懂自己怎么会突然对你有了感觉
这一切都好突然
直到现在我还不懂我到底为什么会喜欢你，
真的。
又深怕朋友默契转身不见
其实一直以来我都很珍惜我们的友情
虽然我不曾和你很亲近，但我一直都把你当成一位我可以相信的朋友
但我最不想它发生的事还是发生了
最近我们已变得好陌生
其实我真得很怀念以前那段和你有说有笑的日子
不知道我们之间为何会变得如此尴尬
是因为我吗？
其实我害怕会失去你的感觉
我知道如果有一天你突然不见了，
我会非常非常难过
因为我在乎你。
唯一不同的是，
你对我并没有感觉，
这一切只不过是我一厢情愿罢了。

it was only yesterday that i was feeling alright about the whole thing
but today my feelings turned for the worse
again.
i have sort of like gotten use to this type of life alr
like roller coaster
up and down
but i just wonder
when will you stop torturing me?
it hurts to see you being so happy with her and her.
and why are you giving me weird looks?
i really wana know
is our friendship beyond repair already?
***
怎么会开始对你有了感觉
又深怕朋友默契转身不见
矛盾着 犹豫不决
没准备 跨越爱的界限
***
why am i becoming like this?

Monday, October 23, 2006

when liking someone becomes too painful
i guess its time to step back and take a look at things from a different point of view
and thats what im doing now
following my heart
and my intuition
and nothing else
***
edited/
woxihuanni

my 201st post
its quite a record considering the fact that my blog never exceeds 150 posts
OH HAHA.
***
today is a ohwells day
could have been pretty perfect if not for the incident that happened
but i decided not to be too affected by these kind of things anymore
i will just do what i can and leave the rest to fate?
***
There are a lot of lost people around you right now, folks who don't quite know where they want to go or how they want to change their lives. You should definitely help them if they ask for it, but resist the urge to dive right into their personal problems and help them sort them out. Instead, focus on keeping yourself on your own personal path. You know where you're headed, so point things in the right direction and carry on. Don't get caught up in problems of others.

hmmmm.
sounds logical...
gosh.
i shall not be influenced by mons.
im like checking my friendster horoscope everyday
ohwells,
i somehow hope the tarot result is accurate
yes,i guess thats the best result i can get anyway...
***
follow my heart
and thats what i will do

Sunday, October 22, 2006

today was a rather fun day i guess!
haha
went out with pohting to town!
yay!
its like the first official time i stepped into town ever since exams ended.
thats like ridiculous lo
anyway,it is an overall okay day
but i spent like damn alot
so conclusion is:
im super broke now!!!
i dont know when will i save up enough to go out again!
haha
and whats best is,
im going out on tues!
haha
my date with chu is finally coming true
i shall control my spending and see how things go
***
i dont know why even when im enjoying myself
you still pop up in my mind once in a while
its torturing me
and i dont like it
i dont want to be thinking of you
when im out having fun
its unfair why you are always in my mind
no matter what im doing
while it seems that
im never in your mind
i should wish you happiness
really
with whoever you want it to be
it will never be me anyway
ohwells,
all the best.

Friday, October 20, 2006

i really dunno why im affected
i mean as i said
i knew this day will happen
even if its not her
it won be me
but i really dont know
why when this day finally came
im still not prepared
the impact is even bigger than i imagined
i guess i sink too deeper in already
without me realising it
ohwells,
im pretty confused now
i dont know what i should do next
i really dont know
many times i tell myself to just let things be
but its harder than i imagined
much harder
***

oh yea
im here again cause monica chua shi qi asked me to come and blog about something
alright
so esti j was sick and we decided to go visit her yest after school!
thats like ultra nice alrights
so aft walking for ages,we finally found her place!
and we bought her tau huay!
haha
yupp,just stayed at her place and chatted for a while
then mons and i left and had lunch at a place near her house called the spot kitchen
and the stupid esti cheated our feelings by saying the food is very good
when its hmmm,not that good
the main point is,
mons and i tried to act les in front of this another group of students
cause we were totally bored and stuff
but yea,it was not at all successful
i bet they din even notice us
so ohwells,
thats all and we went home aft that
***
today
went to j8 to buy chi assessment book after school
how nerd can i be?
oh,and so i din go suwi's party in the end
thats why im here now
haha
ohwells
totally crappy and lame post

im like mad
alright,i shall just admit im mad
if not why will i be listening to a song like 10 times in a row?
trying to learn things that im not good at?
ohwells
***
我想说其实你很好
你自己却不知道
真心地对我好
不要求回报
爱一个人希望他过更好
打从心里暖暖的
你比自己更重要
***
its alright if you dont understand my post at all
because im beginning to not understand myself as well
things are getting confusing
its real tired to keep thinking about you everyday
all i wana be is to be your friend again
carn we just pretend as if nothing has happened?
is it really that difficult?

Wednesday, October 18, 2006

Not everything is going to go your way today, but the things that need to happen will, so take some comfort in that. If this sounds confusing, it will probably feel confusing. To keep yourself calm and collected today, learn how to accept. Bend like a willow tree and don't let anything or anyone rile you up too much. Avoid stiffness or rigidity with your thinking. If you can roll with the punches you have all the power.

i figured out i just MUST blog about this today
my friendster horoscope of the day
i guess its pretty true
especially those in bold
so maybe i should just follow the advice and learn how to accept
i will be back on my feet soon
yes,i must not allow this failure to knock me down
yes,i can do it
i just need some self assurance i guess

oh.and its scary how the horoscope book i just bought can be true
容易没有安全感。
在感情上，他会付出很多爱，但也会要求对方给与很多爱，不然就会感到很不安。
择偶条件:
浪漫，体贴，细心三者缺一不可。
最讨厌处处留情，不负责任，粗心大意的男生。
haha
its real accurate
i wonder if it works for all cancer people
but i guess it works for me
and therefore i choose to believe in it to a certain extent!
haha
im not those who will go all crazy over horoscope,yupp
3 bucks well spent though
:))

i will rather not talk about it
serious.
its just so disappointing
but ohwells,
since i have promised mdm lee
i will keep to my promise
yes,i will make sure i do well for maths from tml onwards
no more excuses
determination will work
im sure
***
rather affected over that person agn?
im not sure why either
just that its as if shes something that i cannot sweep away
no matter how hard i try
and its getting serious i guess
much more serious than i tot it will be
ohwells,
im completely lost
i dunno what should i do next,really
and the stupid horoscope book has to give me false hope at this point of time
how great
:/

Monday, October 16, 2006

oh haha
i guess i just need to laugh it off
i mean what else can i do?
ive became so numbed that its scary
but i guess its good in a sense
if im who i was a few years back then,
i think i may be thinking about how to end my life now.
its really not that i dont care
its just that i have learnt to put these type of things down
and i think its better
why bury yourself in misery over some stupid results?
its not worth it,seriously
tomorrow will be a better day im sure
and i hope wednesday will be a much much better day
haha
hopefully
***
i dont know why im doing all this
maybe i should just stop talking to you
or trying to talk to you
maybe i should just treat as if i dont even know you
maybe only that way then i will be able to forget you
it feels weird seeing you around
but not even saying hello
i dont know what i should do
i really dont know

Sunday, October 15, 2006

i guess i will be in a super bad mood when im here tml
or maybe i won be here at all cause im simply dead
oh haha
dont think it will be a very good way to start the week
***
im not a stupid despo
i won go just because you ask me to
and im serious

Saturday, October 14, 2006

omg
i never go school for two days le.haha
and i haven seen mons and esti for like 5 days alr?
including tml,it will be 6!
i guess i missed out ALOT
judging from mons blog
ohwells,
i think i will have a lot to catch up with them!!!
and when will be our next outing?
im still very sorry for missing the previous one:(
shall leave msgs for them here!:)

mons,hmmm.im sorry for not being with you for the previous few days when you were sort of making an important and difficult decision?ohwells,i know you were not feeling exactly good,so,sorry that i was not with you.we shall catch up on monday alright?:)continue missing me till then!<33

esti,i doubt you will see this but ohwells,thanks for listening to my ranting about you-know-what when i simply dont feel like sharing it with anyone else.thanks for giving me those advices when i was really afraid and lost about what to do.yea.lastly,thanks for accompanying me during those late nights when studying!haha.we shall catch up soon alright?:)miss me!<33

chuwen,yea,king!remember our bet abt eoy results?haha.i gonna win money soon!haha.anyway,im very sorry for pangseh-ing you that day:(we shall go out VERY soon k?macbeth hunts and talks!:))we haven been talking for qt long aso:(ohwells,take care~<33

Friday, October 13, 2006

这件事仿佛是个秘密
一个我永远都不想让你知道的秘密。
但有时我会想，
让你知道了，是否会比较好受呢?
目前已经有那么多人知道这个秘密了，
我真得不清楚到底还能瞒你多久。
不过无论如何，
我都会尽力保守这个秘密，不让你知道。
我喜欢你。

Thursday, October 12, 2006

我想唯有改变才能使一个人成长。
虽然要适应是一件不容易的事，
但如果没有改变，
人应该就会十年如一日吧！
我曾以为自己一定做不到，
毕竟现在的生活和以往也差太多了吧，
两个多星期前，
我应该没有现在这样坚强。
这就是成长吧。
或许对许多人来说，
这样子的改变并不大，
但我想这已经是我能力范围内最大的改变了。
虽然到现在，
我还是很不习惯这样的生活，
但我相信一切事情的发生必定有它的理由。
我知道这样听起来实在是“俗”了点，
但我就是相信命中注定这件事。
你身边的每一个人和你一定有一种缘分
你的家人，你的朋友，你喜欢的人，甚至是你不喜欢的人，
一切都是注定的。
虽然听起来好像很悲观，
但我总觉得在某种程度上，
这句话的确有它的道理。
maybe we should use our faith to change our fate
or at least
try to

Tuesday, October 10, 2006

im stuck at home
all because of the stupid YOU
argh
im very sad now
because i cannot go out with esti and mons
wtf
:(
***
painkillers are the best invention on earth
***
oh and i dunno why,
i suddenly feel like reading books
haha
it seems that when its exam time
i dun feel like touching books
but now exams are over,
i actually feel like reading
how contradicting

Monday, October 09, 2006

i dunno
it seems that when my mind is in a mess now
the only person i can talk to is you
but yet i think you are not free now
alright
i shall try to find something that can give me strength
im tired
and it does not feel as if exams are over

Sunday, October 08, 2006

alright
fix hours and ten more mins
***
gonna go!
im will be late
sorry mons!:(

Saturday, October 07, 2006

why am i feeling as if exams are over?
urgh
i still got one more paper
and its killing me
feel like giving up whenever i flip open the book
i guess it does not make much difference whether i study now or not
ohwells
i dunno what i am talking about
rubbish i guess
twenty four hours and twenty mins time

Friday, October 06, 2006

i dont know why i am still holding on
in fact i dont even know what i am holding on to
what i am waiting for
theres nothing for me to even look back and smile
you and me,both of us were never a we
i feel silly
why am i feeling miserable over you
its not like i have lost something that i once had
i never had you
but it still hurts me to see how you and me have become strangers now
i will not lie to myself
anymore
***
我不难过
这不算什么
只是为什么眼泪会流
我也不懂。
我真得不懂

天天夜夜
How do I live without you
I want to know
How do I breathe without you
If you ever go
How do I ever
Ever survive　
How do I　
How do I　
How do I live
当你的泪在微笑中滑落
回忆的风吹着我走　
我却情愿停留
当一颗心到时间的尽头　
呼吸也会痛
可是我记得
你给我的梦
每一天在你的怀里等待
每一夜我感觉你的存在　
走过伤害
我回头看
是永远都灿烂的爱
这一次我决定勇敢去爱
这一次我陪你看到未来
So, how do I live
How do I live
How do I live without you
How do I live
当世界都遗忘我的时候　
你的一切 　　　
对我来说　
经过才能拥有
我明白一份真爱的背后
藏着苦和忧
心痛的时候
更深刻感受
每一天在你的怀里等待
每一夜我感觉你的存在　
走过伤害
我回头看
是永远都灿烂的爱
这一次我决定勇敢去爱
这一次我陪你看到未来
So, how do I live
How do I live
How do I live without you
And tell me now
每一天在你的怀里等待
每一夜我感觉你的存在　
走过伤害
我回头看
是永远都灿烂的爱
这一次我决定勇敢去爱
这一次我陪你看到未来
So, how do I live
How do I live
How do I live without you
How do I live without you 　　　　　　
How do I breathe without you

Thursday, October 05, 2006

two more papers
im just gonna survive it
somehow
***
i flipped open my joy luck club
and all i think is you
i thought things are alright alr
i thought im slowly getting over you alr
but it seems that im wrong
***
how do i live without you?

Tuesday, October 03, 2006

假装多好
我只要，只想要，再拥有一秒
***
很多时候，很多人，都带着一个无形的面具。
是虚伪吗？还是只不过是收敛？
人与人之间的相处从来就不容易掌握
你永远无法知道当一个人笑嘻嘻地和你说话时，
他心里到底想着什么。
假装有时候也只不过是自我保护的一种方法罢了。
当你一而再，再而三地受到伤害时，
往往会有一些改变。
重则选择从此不再相信人，轻则选择学习自我保护。
就像刺猬一样，
当它感觉到敌人快要出现时，
就会竖起身上的刺，
保护自己。
人也一样，
面具大概也只是保护自己的一种方法，
并没有所谓的好坏。
这也应该可以算是成长的一部分。
学习如何不再轻易相信人，
学习如何分辨黑与白，
学习如何看清楚人心，
我们多还有很多学习的地方。
每一次受到伤害就等于在自己和别人之间隔起一道隐形的墙。
当有一天你发现心已不会再痛时，
恭喜你，你已经百侵不入
因为心中的那道墙早已厚得无法拆除了。
但这是我们要的吗?
没有了痛也就没有了乐，
没有了泪也就没了欢笑，
人生就是这样。
所以，我还是会继续相信人。
即使受过伤，
即使掉过泪，
我还是会一边带着面具，
一边继续相信人。
戴面具对我来说，
也只不过是一种成长。
***
the art of invisible strength:
bite back your tongue
do not let others know what you know
keep it and use it to your advantage when the time comes

alright im constantly counting down to the number of days when everything willl just end
and now im only left with
social studies
literature
and amaths!
im sure i will survive
somehow
off to mug ss

Monday, October 02, 2006

im still alive
hopefully
alr rather numbed by the kind of life im living le
haha
everyday wake up,go school,take paper,go home,bathe,slack,study,eat,study,sleep
what a nice routine
nevermind
everything will be over in one week's time
exactly one week from now,i would have finished my amaths paper
and everything will be fine:))
***
physics is not good aftall
act i dun think i have confidence for any of the papers i took
alright
shall stop thinking abt them anymore
as well as you

my childhood.
xuezhen//*

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