Saturday, March 03, 2007
im currently using the computer without a mouse.
how wonderful:/
why is it that whenever i dont feel like talking to you
you will just come online like this
where were you when i actually WANTED to talk to you
sometimes i really wonder what am i in your heart.
will i be more than a hi-bye friend?
that i can never be sure
if only you treasure our friendship half as much as i treasure it before i like you,
i will be more than contented.
yesterday was a tiring day
i never expected myself to just break down like that
i felt stupid
its like i cannot even adapt to such a change
when i went back to -, i looked at all of you with envy
i never knew how much i want to be in a - before im officially not in one.
i kept telling myself: hey!thats where i belong.
tears just came pouring down.
i dont want people to see me as a pampered person who will die without being in -
because i am not such a person.
i just feel that theres where i really belong.
i know it was me who keep saying i want to try something else
i really wanted to
but now i regret
maybe its too early to say that i regret,
maybe i will enjoy myself at the end of the day
but yesterday at that moment,
i was really afraid
i dont want my last - to just end like that
for the past 3 years,it was - that kept me going
making me proud of -
and this year really is my last -,my last year in st nicks,
i really dont want to just spend this year,ending up doing something that i won enjoy
call me selfish
but it really never dawned on me how much i love to be in -.
yesterday in -,i sat there thinking
thinking about the past 3 years(esp the last 2 years)
thinking about all the times i spent with all my fellow - mates,
laughing,crying tgt
playing lame games,
playing truth or dare
having heart to heart talk
having -
i guess all these will never happen this year.
no matter how well things will end up this year,
i guess the feeling will never be the same
it will just be impossible for us to sit down tgt,cry tgt,laugh tgt,
as a family.
no more ranking our brains out for - presents,
no more -,
no more all the gritty details as a -
all the little things that i will miss
i guess i really took the previous 2 years for granted
i just did not appreciate the feeling of being in a -
and i know i never will if such a thing did not happen this year.
people keep telling me to look on the bright side,at least i HAD 2 years.
but its also because of the 2 years that make me more certain that thats the life i want
thats the - i want
now i feel silly for complaining about last year
last year was wonderful
im sorry i wasnt able to appreciate
i know nothing can be changed now
and im really not complaining about what im doing now
just that,nothing will be the same anymore.
even if i get to do the same thing in jc,it won be the same feeling anymore.
noone will understand how much it hurts me to see all of you in your -,
doing all the activities that are so familiar to me
i dont deny,
im jealous.
jealous of all of you who have a -,all of you who are doing the things that i want to do
please appreciate.
im not being a sore loser here crying just because i dont have a -.
its just...my regrets
the days ahead will be tough
and i promise i will try
but things will just not be the same anymore
i guess i really need to learn to control my emotions
i mean,i cannot possibly tear everytime i see all of you in your - right?
but no matter what,
i will not deny that,i still really hope that im in a-.
just because thats the way i want my - to be.
i guess the moral of the story is to appreciate what you have
never take anything for granted.
as cliche as it sounds,
it is really true
i really regretted not learning this earlier
if only i knew i will be not in a - this year,
i will definitely appreciate those times last year,
put in much more effort,
be satisfied with myself and not end up regretting
if only...
give me time to sort out my thoughts
i guess im still not okay
be it sweet or bitter; 2:32 AM
